The Many Lives and Adventures of Calvin
by Banisher
Summary: each chapter is a short C&H story. CH.5 UPDATE!
1. Space Man Spiff and the Escape From Plan...

I, sadly, do not own Calvin and Hobs. For if I did, not only would I be filthy rich, but also I'd revive the series for fans everywhere. (and to get even richer.) Therefore there should be no doubt in your mind as to whether or not I own them. Why are you still reading this disclaimer? Stop. Read the fanfic. I mean it. Fine then. Be that way. You can keep reading this if you want but I doubt it'll do you any good. Okay, anyone who is still reading at this HAS TO STOP NOW AND READ THE FIC!!!!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Space Man Spiff was patrolling sector 7 of the 9th Quadrant known as the Nargoon terrain. Nargoons were a species of highly evolved Nagons. His ship was shot and crash landed on their central planet. He recognized the craft to be none other than the queens. He ran as far away as possible until collapsing from exhaustion in a small cave. Shortly afterwards, the queen found and woke Spiff.  
  
  
  
"CALVIN! GET READY FOR SCHOOL!!!" his mom shouted.  
  
  
  
The Queen shrieked hideously and waved its multiple, slimy tentacles. She forced him onto a spacecraft filled with other captives. The pilot was fat hideous freak of nature. It demanded absolute silence and all those who disobeyed him were tortured beyond belief.  
  
  
  
"SHUT UP!!!!" screamed the bus driver." "I'm trying to drive!"  
  
  
  
Space man Spiff took action. He whipped out his blaster and set it to deep fry. He fired the ray…  
  
  
  
  
  
Calvin shot the rubber band and hit the bus driver on the back of the head causing him to swerve into Miss Wormwood's car. She had been late for work, and she was not very happy. The bus driver explained one of the students hit him with a rubber band. This caused Miss Wormwood to smile. Not a human, happy a smile, but a wicked, satanic smile.  
  
" I think I know who" Miss Wormwood said cruelly.  
  
  
  
The ray hit the pilot who crashed into the ship of his tormentor, the Worm. The worm was a hideous, fat slimy blob with two tentacles and a gaping mouth spewing saliva. Unfortunately, the larger spacecraft suffered only nominal damage and continued on, but the worm's ship was damaged beyond repair and it swore on its worthless pathetic Nargoon life to make Spiff suffer beyond all human comprehension. As they near the prison, Spiff makes one final ditch attempt. He jumps through the emergency hatch.  
  
  
  
  
  
"CALVIN, ARE YOU INSANE!!!?????!?!?!?!?!?!?!?" screamed Suzie as Calvin jumped out the emergency back door and landed on none other than Mo's mother's car, who was bringing Mo to school. She swerved out of control and hit the principle's office. (can Calvin get into any more trouble? We're afraid so)  
  
  
  
As Spiff jumps out the emergency hatch, he sees an on coming ship. He lands on it causing it to crash into the prison's main head quarters. " Ha! Another victory for Spiff!" He yelled to himself. He runs back to base camp.  
  
Across the jagged terrain he flees, dodging Nargoons and shooting occasional ships down.  
  
He reaches home at last.  
  
  
  
  
  
RING! RING! *sigh* Calvin's mother reaches for the phone. Hello…Calvin did WHAT??!! He WHAT?! 400,000 DOLLARS???!!! CAAAALLLVVIIIIINNN!!!!!!!  
  
  
  
1 Zounds! The queen was hot on Spiff's trail. He ran as fast as he could, but surprisingly, the queen had an additional boost of adrenaline.  
  
  
  
  
  
2 One month later…  
  
  
  
Calvin: Jeeze! I can't mom's still mad at me.  
  
Hobbes: well 400,000 dollars is a lot. How long did she suspend your allowance?  
  
Calvin: until I'm 15. Good thing my dad happened to have made 400,000 dollars in the stock market that day. And I'm still grounded.  
  
Hobbes: You've been going to school for the past 2 years, what made you escape on that particular day?  
  
Calvin:…you don't want to know, trust me…  
  
  
  
Space Man Spiff's adventures sure were wild, but it's nothing in comparison to the case Tracer Bullet would soon have to face. 


	2. The Name's Bullet, Tracer Bullet.

Just in case you are very stupid, have short term memory, or just like to read everything I write, I'm gona tell ya' again, I ain't makin' dough for reasons that do not concern you. And now, back to the show, err, fic.  
  
  
  
  
  
The name's Bullet, Tracer Bullet: P.I. I live around about 1000 people in the community, and they all got a story. Frankly though, they're all pretty darn boring. While I was on the way to my office, I met a dame who seamed to be distressed. I knew her well. Her name was Suzan Derkins and it looked like she had a case. She in herself was a case, but that's not the point.  
  
  
  
Calvin: Suzie, you look a little red in the face. You okay?  
  
Suzie: Some idiot's been stealing money from the lockers and if when I find out who, he's gona wish he'd never lived…  
  
Just then, the school bell rang. In class, Miss Wormwood introduced four new students.  
  
Miss Wormwood: class, I'd like you to meet Mary Elise, John Davis, Frank Noogs, and I. Will Crush.  
  
  
  
  
  
Mary was a somewhat short, slender girl with a red bow in her hair. Her navy blue skirt came down to her knees and she wore plain white T-shirt.  
  
Her brown hair was short; about the length of Suzie's which looked good her with glasses. A delicate creature.  
  
John was the pushover type. He wore long kaki pants and a blue sweater over his shirt. He had thick glasses and he looked like a brainiac.  
  
Frank was somethin' else. He was only 6, but he had a, Mohawk and tattoos covered his body. He wore dark glasses and a leather jacket. Not someone to mess with…  
  
But if you think that's somethin' you gota see I. Will Crush. Ivan William Crush is his full name. He's 5 feet tall and his shoulder width is 3 feet. Although his I.Q. is lower than a plant's, he makes up for it with his insanely huge muscles. His hair completely covers his eyes and they say he benches 600000lbs. no prob. And here I thought Mo was bad…  
  
At first, I wasn't planning to take up Suzan's case, but when I found out that I too was robbed, I was goin' to make the sap pay. During lunch, I found Suzie and talked to her.  
  
  
  
  
  
Calvin: Hey Suzie, I hear you gota bone ta' pick with the thief. I believe I can help. The name's Tracer Bullet, Privet Investigator.  
  
Suzie: What do you know? I bet it was YOU who stole the money.  
  
Calvin: (trying not to lose his cool) He took my money too. I've already narrowed it down to four suspects.  
  
Suzie: Tell me what you know, now!  
  
Calvin: Easy, woman! If you agree to give me 25 cents for catching the crook, I'll help  
  
Suzie:(reluctantly) Okay, but not till AFTER he's caught.  
  
Calvin: Agreed.  
  
Suzie: What do you know? Spill it!  
  
Calvin: This school only goes up to 3rd grade. I know everyone here and although they may be jerks, none of 'em would ever steal. It's gotta be one of the new guys.  
  
Suzie: I think you're right.  
  
Calvin: I gotta plan, I'm sure since they're new, they probably have no friends. We'll split them I'll take Mary and John, you can take Frank and the other guy.  
  
Suzie: I think I should take the more sensitive ones and you take those brutes.  
  
Calvin: Why would those tough guys want to talk to me? An attractive girl like you has a better chance to-  
  
Suzie: Hold on, did you just call me attractive?  
  
Calvin: (stammering miserably) uh..uh..I uuh, um I…I…I meant... wa...wa,y. y.. ya see.. gulp  
  
Suzie: Fine, have it your way. This ATTRACTIVE girl will take the brutes. hee hee hee!  
  
  
  
Warily, I approached John first and tried to act casual. "Hey man, how are ya'?"  
  
"f,fa,fa,fine."  
  
"Where did you move from?"  
  
Suzie wasn't having real good luck with I. Will Crush.  
  
"So how are you?"  
  
"CRUSH!"  
  
"Um, yeah that's nice"  
  
"CRUSH!"  
  
"I think I'll try Frank…"  
  
  
  
"Hey Frank."  
  
" Hey hottie"  
  
"eww he likes me, gross". She thought to herself " I guess the best thing to do is pretend I like him back…I am SO going to regret this…  
  
  
  
"We'll I'll see you later John"  
  
" yeah. Nice talking to you"  
  
Calvin jotted down some notes. "What a loser." He thought. Mary was sitting alone on a bench near the playground. He approached her as casually as possible.  
  
"H,H Hey m ma Mary"  
  
" O hello" Mary responded in a sweet, gentle, melodious voice. She giggled  
  
" I'm Calvin, pleased to meet you"  
  
" Hello Calvin. Beautiful weather, isn't it?"  
  
" Um yeah. So, why did you move over here?"  
  
" My father's very poor. He hoped to find a job."  
  
" Did he?"  
  
" Not yet."  
  
They talked for another 15 minutes, and then the bell rang.  
  
Mary: I guess we should go in.  
  
  
  
I turned the thought in my mind over and over again. How could a girl like that ever steal? It couldn't be her, it couldn't…  
  
  
  
Suzie: HEY! Lover boy! Lunch is over!  
  
Calvin: Sure…whatever…  
  
  
  
That afternoon, Suzan came over to compare notes.  
  
  
  
  
  
Suzie: well I don't really think I. Will Crush is even smart enough to under stand the word "steal", so it can't be him.  
  
Calvin: Well, you never know, he could be faking it. What about that Frank guy?  
  
" *Sigh…*  
  
" That bad huh?"  
  
" You have NO idea. He LIKES me. That grotesque freak LIKES me!!!"  
  
" What happened when you talked to him?"  
  
" He asked my locker number and seemed to hang around the lockers a long time after school."  
  
" So he may have wanted to know which locker not to steal from, or maybe he wanted to give you a love letter."  
  
" So what did you get from the other two?"  
  
"John is a complete loser. Some of the older people pick on him, and he swore revenge. He also seems obsessed with getting richer…"  
  
" Kinda like YOU?"  
  
" Oh, you're just hilarious, a born comedian."  
  
"What about Mary?"  
  
"Mary…"  
  
" If you're not in love, no man ever has been or will be."  
  
"I meant. I meant. Uh, I meant Mary's a poor girl. Her dad moved to find a job, but he hasn't had any luck.  
  
" Aww, I hope he does. I wouldn't want your heart to be broken. HeeHeeHee!"  
  
" SHUT UP!! I DON"T LIKE HER!! I HATE ALL GIRLS; THEY HAVE COOTIES!!!"  
  
"Sure Calvin, well, this ATRACTIVE girl will be on her way."  
  
" GET OUTA HERE!!!!!"  
  
  
  
Mom: Calvin! Come greet our new neighbors!  
  
Calvin: Okay.  
  
  
  
To my surprise, it was none other than…  
  
  
  
  
  
Calvin: Mary?  
  
Mary: Hello Calvin.  
  
Calvin: (stuttering) H,h,hey.  
  
Mom: I know this is hard for you, but I want you to be extremely nice to her. Why don't show her around?  
  
Calvin: Sure!  
  
Mom: (thinking to herself) hmm, that's the first time he's been excited to be nice to a girl…  
  
  
  
  
  
Calvin: …And this is our club G.R.O.S.S… Over here is where I perform my suicidal wagon stunts. Did you know that an ordinary wagon can travel at speeds of 90Mph going downhill over a narrow ravine? And if it's snowing, I go in my sled instead. I remember the time my sled caught fire. (refer to page 71 in the Calvin & Hobbes book Attack of the Deranged mutant killer monster snow goon)  
  
Calvin: Well, let's move on.  
  
Mary: You have an interesting area to play.  
  
Calvin: Thank you.  
  
  
  
Suzie: Look at them, how romantic.  
  
  
  
After I talked with Mary, I knew I needed a plan. So I talked to Suzan. After a long, frank exchange of ideas, we finally came to a compromise. We'd carry out the plan tomorrow…  
  
Suzie: Calvin, remember what to do?  
  
Calvin: Of course I do!  
  
Suzie: we're at school now. Begin operation greedy.  
  
Calvin: GEE! I HAVE AN AWFUL LOT OF MONEY I NEED TO KEEP OVER NIGHT! THERE MUST BE HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS IN HERE! THERE'S EVEN A CREDIT CARD!!!! ANYONE WHO TOOK THIS WOULD BE RICH!!!!  
  
  
  
That night, we hid on top of the lockers. Suzan took one nearest the first door and I took the one nearest the second. At about 9 P.M., a figure wearing a large robe appeared. You couldn't see his face. He approached my locker. I then made my move. I jumped down and pelted 4 grenades at the figure. It seemed unfazed…  
  
  
  
The water balloons caused him to stop momentarily, but only momentarily.  
  
  
  
  
  
I pulled out my pistol. Nothing. I then tried my secret weapon…  
  
  
  
Marbles. They caused him to slip, but not long enough for me to catch him.  
  
  
  
Not even that worked. In all my years as P.I., I had never seen such a stubborn opponent. I could now only pray my stupid partner was doing her job.  
  
  
  
Suddenly, the figure tripped over a rope.  
  
  
  
  
  
My no good partner did her job after all. It was then time for the unmasking. It proved to be none other than…………  
  
  
  
  
  
Calvin: MARY?! But, but why?  
  
Mary: (crying) I'm so sorry! (crying even harder) My dad…sniff… was in debt. It was the only way! I did it for my family! Please. Please understand.  
  
"All I can understand, is that you were the only girl I didn't think was scum. I really liked you. You broke my heat……………"  
  
Soon the police came, and everyone's parents too. As they took Mary away, Calvin walked away from everyone else. A tear rolled down his cheek. Suzie walked up and put an arm around him.  
  
" It's okay Calvin"  
  
" ……Suzie, I wanted to tell you… I always thought you were a nice person and despite the things I've said and done to you, I really respect you."  
  
" Calvin, I… thank you Calvin."  
  
  
  
In the days that followed, Suzan and I became good friends despite an occasional argument or water balloon here or there. Mary was sent to the Juvenile Detention Center for 1 or 2 years. I sent her a letter saying how I had really liked her and hoped to see her again. Then she wrote me back. The words still echo in my mind…  
  
Dear Calvin,  
  
I'm so sorry for the things I've done. Please find it in your heart to forgive me. You said in your letter you'd wait for me forever. Thank you. I've never known anyone as kind as you.  
  
  
  
Your friend, Mary Elise.  
  
My dad had a job opening and Mary's dad took it. He gets good pay and is nearly done working off his debts. As for me, I got a buck for a good nights work. .25 for catching the crook, .25 from sympathy, and a bonus of .50 for bunpin' off Frank which wasn't that easy. I'm still livin' in the same community. I got 1000 neighbors and half of 'em are still jerks, and I'll always have plenty a work to do, because I'm Tracer Bullet, Private Investigator. CASE CLOSED 


	3. The true story of the noodle incident.

1 Disclaimer: no greenbacks goin' into my pockets…again…  
  
  
  
Calvin was sitting next to Suzie in the principal's office.  
  
Calvin: It's all HER fault, principle! I was framed! Honest!  
  
Suzie: You liar!! It was all YOUR fault!! You did it!! I had no part!!  
  
Principle: Settle down. Maybe you should start by telling me what happened. Calvin?  
  
Calvin: Gosh, what's to tell, it started as a regular day, I was waiting at the bus stop bright and early like I always am, when-  
  
Suzie: Liar!! I'M the one who's waiting for the bus early, not YOU!!  
  
Calvin: Hey, who's tellin' the story, me or you?!  
  
Principle: Suzie, let Calvin finish, please.  
  
Calvin: Thank you. Now, as I was saying until RUDELY interrupted, *ahem* (looking at Suzie) I was waiting for the bus when Suzie's mom came out, dragging Suzie in a most humiliating way just to get her to school…  
  
Suzie clenched her fist. She was one second away from whapping Calvin so hard, his MOM would feel it. Calvin continued.  
  
Calvin: So once we were on the bus, I noticed she was behaving strangely today. She was up to something, I could tell. When we got to school, Suzie began to give poor Miss Wormwood a hard time. At lunch she was being even more disruptive. When the teachers went to turn the heater on, she was getting excited. She could hardly contain herself. Little did she know that the noodles she had stored in the air vents began to decay, and the heater would set them on fire. Little did Suzie know that the fire would burn a gas pipe that triggered a thermal meltdown in the nearby factory's core. Little did she know that the explosion would burn down HALF THE CITY!!!  
  
Principle: Well, Calvin, that was an interesting story, but can you explain THIS?  
  
He showed a video of Calvin pouring noodles into the schools air vents.  
  
Calvin: Uhh, LIES!! Vile contemptuous lies!! Suzie must have dressed up like me in order to frame it on someone!! I swear!!!  
  
Principle: Sure she did, Calvin.  
  
Suzie: Everyone KNOWS it was you Calvin, admit it.  
  
Spaceman Spiff is captured by Nagon forces. They are accusing him of destroying their precious planet. Sadly, Spiff is to be SACRIFICED to appease the evil god they call "justis". Spiff takes action. He sets his death ray to "deep fat fry" He fires at the supreme high potenant and dashes away. He runs back to his base to pick up space cat Hobbes and runs for life. The Nagon queen chases him, but soon gives up.  
  
Calvin: We lost her, Hobbes  
  
Hobbes: Hey, who's WE? I had no part in that!  
  
Calvin came upon a truck headed for Mexico and jumped in. The truck drove off.  
  
Hobbes: Hey Calvin, how long until we reach the boarder?  
  
Calvin: I don't know shut up will 'ya?  
  
Epilogue:  
  
Needless to say, the truck was actually coming FROM Mexico and Calvin ran off only to find himself in the supermarket where his dad had gone to pick up a few things. When he found Calvin, he was MAD. Calvin now to this day is still punished to his room until he's eighteen, and tutors come everyday to harass him with books and studies.  
  
Calvin: Spaceman Spiff is captured. Nagons come each day to brainwash him to their demonic ways. Spiff takes action……… 


	4. Love Always Prevails

Disclaimer: do I look Bill Waterson? No, I didn't think so…  
  
Author's note: If you haven't figured out yet, the stories in this fic have almost nothing to do with each other. And I had to modify the ending of this one so that it could pertain to the fic, but it still is my best attempt at a romance.  
  
Calvin lay in bed, pondering. He couldn't sleep; he kept tossing around. Susie has a crush on Moe. "Why should I care?" Calvin thought. "She's no concern of mine, I don't like her." But Calvin couldn't stop thinking of her. He was frustrated with himself. He didn't WANT to like her, but he did. What did he see in her? It didn't make sense…He knew he didn't think she was pretty, and her personality was the exact opposite. They had NOTHING in common, but he was drawn to her by some compelling force. Something kept pulling him toward her. He didn't understand it. But he knew what he had to do. He had to put an end to Susie's crush on Moe…oh, what was he thinking? He didn't want to like her!! Girls are SLIMY!  
  
" Oh I can't take this anymore!!" Calvin screamed.  
  
" Neither can I" came the voice of Hobbes. " So shut up will ya'?"  
  
Finally, Calvin fell asleep.  
  
Calvin awoke to the sound of his alarm clock, but instead of turning it off and going back to bed, he got up quietly and got ready for school. Calvin was in the kitchen getting some breakfast when his mom walked in. She looked like she hadn't got any sleep. In her left hand she had a child psychology book. She looked at Calvin in surprise.  
  
" Hey mom" he said cheerily. "Look, I made you coffee!"  
  
Calvin's mom took the cup of coffee Calvin gave him and then looked at her child psychology book. She tossed the book back behind her shoulder and out the window. Calvin walked outside and headed for the bus stop. He was even earlier than Susie. Five minutes later, Susie arrived at the bus stop too.  
  
"Calvin?" said Susie, very surprised.  
  
" Good morning, Susie" Calvin said.  
  
" What are you up to?"  
  
" Nothing! I'm just waiting to go to school."  
  
" Normally you'd just make it in the nick of time. What are you up to?"  
  
" Well, actually, I needed to check over the homework last night and I have some questions on yesterday's lesson."  
  
" You need to check over the homework? HA! You just want the answers, don't you? Too bad!"  
  
" No, I did it see?"  
  
Calvin showed Susie his homework, and to her surprise, Calvin did it.  
  
"So," Calvin said, "Are any of these wrong?"  
  
" Just number 6 and number 10."  
  
" Okay…thanks"  
  
Soon the bus pulled up and Calvin and Susie got on.  
  
"Calvin's acting strange," Susie thought " but I can't tell what he's up to…"  
  
That day in class, Calvin had to take four different tests, and he aced every one. Ms. Wormwood was shocked.  
  
" I studied hard" was all Calvin could say.  
  
Later that day, Calvin and Suzie were assigned to do a project on bats together. As Mrs. Wormwood announced this, Susie glared at Calvin. "If you say anything about bats being bugs, I'm going to clobber you! And you'd better do your part of the project!" Susie said.  
  
"Its okay, don't worry," Calvin merely replied.  
  
A few minutes later at three o'clock, the bell rang and school was out. Susie and Calvin were to meet at the library at four. When Susie got there, too her astonishment, Calvin was already there, working on the project.  
  
" Calvin, when did you get here?" Susie asked.  
  
" About three fifteen. I had to call my mom and tell her I wouldn't be coming home by bus because of the project. Your mom IS going to pick us up, right?"  
  
" Yeah…Calvin?"  
  
" Yes?"  
  
" What are you up to?!"  
  
" Nothing."  
  
  
  
The next day at school was going well for Calvin. He had done his homework and aced his quiz. But the bell rang, and it was time for…  
  
" GYM!! NO!! No no! no! no! This is all wrong! If I give Moe my money, me, Susie will think I'm a coward, and if I stand up to him, I'll be a hero, but Moe will make pancakes out of me…oooooh, what should I do?"  
  
" Hey Twinkie! Moe laughed, " Gimme 50 cents and I won't kill you."  
  
Susie was walking by. Calvin stammered. " N-n-n-no, Moe. Y-you can't have it…its, uh, mine…"  
  
Moe raised his fist to punch, and Calvin flinched. Moe brought his fist down in one smash, but just a he did, Mr. Spittle walked in.  
  
" I saw that!" He shouted. "Moe, I'd like to see you in my office. Calvin, you'd better come too."  
  
Susie looked on with shock. "Moe hit Calvin? Maybe I was wrong bout Moe after all…" she thought.  
  
So in the end, Moe was expelled from the school and Calvin was a good strait A student. He and Susie became the best of friends.  
  
~ Four years later~  
  
" MOVE?! We can't move overseas!" Calvin pleaded.  
  
" Well, we are. I'm sorry Calvin, that's just how it goes. We'll come back in six years."  
  
" No!" Calvin screamed.  
  
" We are leaving in two days."  
  
Calvin was very upset. He talked to Hobbes a little, and then prepared for his last day of school.  
  
Everyone had already heard the news. At school, everyone said their goodbyes, except Susie. She was too scared to approach Calvin and he was too afraid to talk to her.  
  
The next day, the moving van came in. Susie was outside watching as everything was loaded up. " Goodbye, Calvin," She said softly. Tears swelled up in her eyes. " I don't even know where he's going," She thought.  
  
" Hey! Susie!" Calvin called.  
  
" Calvin?"  
  
"Hey, I came to say goodbye. I…I'm going to miss you, Susie.  
  
" Me too…"  
  
" Come on, let's go!" Calvin's mom yelled.  
  
" Goodbye, Susie…"  
  
Calvin ran off and got in the car.  
  
" Farewell, Calvin…" Susie whispered quietly. She was only ten, but she really liked Calvin. So with a sad expression on her face, Susie walked back toward her house. Suddenly, a hand grabbed her shoulder-it was Calvin. He gave her his new address and said goodbye one more time.  
  
Calvin and Suzie wrote to each other for a long time. Finally, after six long years, Calvin returned home. He found his neighborhood about the same. Susie still lived there, and most of the kids he remembered from school were still living in the area. Right after Calvin had unpacked, he went to see Susie. (Calvin and Susie are 16 now, if you didn't do the math) They were very glad too see each other and they talked for hours. Calvin still had Hobbes, but spent less time with him. That night, he asked Hobbes for his advice.  
  
" You see, I really like her…but how should I say it?" Calvin asked.  
  
" Hmmm, why don't you ask her out?" Hobbes suggested.  
  
" I don't know…I guess I'll try it…"  
  
The next day, Calvin was at the bus stop with Susie.  
  
" Susie?" Calvin asked.  
  
" Yes?"  
  
" I, I uh, wanted to tell you…"  
  
" Yes? Go on."  
  
" I mean I wanted to ask you, er, what I'm trying to say is…"  
  
Before Calvin could continue, the bus pulled up and Susie got on. Calvin sighed and got on too. Later that day, Susie asked what Calvin was trying to say. He told her nevermind.  
  
The next day Calvin was waiting for the bus. Susie reached the bus stop to. Calvin gathered some courage.  
  
" Susie?" he asked.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
" I was wondering…if you'd…Susie, will you go out with me?"  
  
Susie was dumbfounded. She had been waiting for him to say that since as long as she could remember.  
  
" Yes, yes of course! Of course I will! I've been waiting for you to say that for so long! Of course I will."  
  
Calvin and Susie went steady like that for another two years, until that fateful day. Calvin's dad had failed to win a case that accused Susie of poisoning fifteen students at school. Susie was sentenced to death. It was a false accusation, of course. Susie's dad Killed Calvin's dad for losing the case and was hunted down. After Calvin mourned his dad, he focused his attention to Susie. Susie was to be killed in two days. Calvin loved Susie, but he had never told her. He formulated a plan. He discussed it with Susie. Calvin would cause a delay for Susie's death sentence and inject a virus into the computer that would allow Suzie to escape undetected. If Susie did not meet Calvin at the park by nine P.M., Calvin would know Susie didn't make it. It was raining that night. Calvin stood in the park with his umbrella, looking at the clock. Time kept going by, but she didn't show up. Finally, the clock struck nine. Calvin still saw no sign of her. He waited another hour. Calvin began to weep. "Its too late," he said. "She's gone, and I never told her I loved her." Suddenly, Calvin heard Susie's voice. " HEY!! Calvin!"  
  
"Susie?"  
  
Calvin and Suzie ran toward each other. Calvin threw down his umbrella. The rain and lightning went on even fiercer, but they didn't care. They embraced.  
  
" Oh, Suzie, I'd thought I'd lost you!"  
  
" I knew I'd make it, because love always prevails."  
  
Susie and Calvin kissed a long, passionate kiss. They loved each other, and they knew they'd never let each other go. Susie got into Calvin's car, and they fled away together, thankful that at last, all their dreams had come true.  
  
"WHAT?!!" That's NOT what will happen to me!" Calvin screamed at Hobbes.  
  
Hobbes closed the book he had made and protested, " Yes it will! You two are in love! Admit it!"  
  
" Yeah, right."  
  
Calvin and Hobbes settled down in bed. Calvin thought to himself. " Oh well, I guess that wasn't such a bad ending after all. I can see that happening. And although I'll never admit it, Susie IS the girl of my dreams…Look out Susie Derkins, I'll be coming for you one day, just wait and see!" 


	5. Ew, G.R.O.S.S.!!

Disclaimer: isn't the word "disclaimer" pretty self-explanatory as it is?  
  
Calvin: This meeting of club G.R.O.S.S. is now underway. As you know, Suzie, who is a definite member of the enemy, and the evil baby-sitter Rosalyn, are going to be at our house any moment now.  
  
Hobbes: Why?  
  
Calvin: Arrgh! You idiot! I told you already!! My parents and Suzie's parents are going out to lunch together and Rosalyn will baby-sit us both!  
  
Calvin's Mom: (lift's up the cardboard box Calvin and Hobbes are in) Come on, Calvin, Susie and Rosalyn are here! Now I want you to be on your BEST behavior, got it?  
  
Calvin: Okay.  
  
Calvin's Mom: Good. Have fun. (Kisses him on the forehead and leaves)  
  
Calvin: Hobbes, get out the dart guns.  
  
Rosalyn: So Suzie, you know Calvin?  
  
Susie: Unfortunately, yes.  
  
Rosalyn and Suzie, as well as her and Calvin's parents were all in the living room. The parents left after saying good-bye, and Rosalyn and Suzie started setting up a tea party.  
  
Calvin: (looking down from upstairs) Affirmative, Hobbes the suspects caught of endorsing in enemy acts. We have to get them.  
  
Susie: Hey Calvin, you can join us if you want!!  
  
Calvin: Never, vile scum!! (Shoots several darts at Suzie)  
  
Susie: Eeek!!  
  
Rosalyn: (gets up) Alright, young man, bedtime for you!  
  
Calvin: no way!! It's only noon!!  
  
Rosalyn: heh heh heh.come here Calvin.  
  
Calvin: Never!! (grabs Hobbes and jumps off the upstairs balcony and lands near his supply of water balloons and rotten crab apples.) Rosalyn: Calvin, get back here!!  
  
Calvin grabbed the water balloons and rotten crab apples and ran out the door.  
  
Susie: Oh, let him go, what could he possibly do?  
  
Rosalyn: I guess you're right. Come on; let's finish our tea party.  
  
Calvin: Alright, Hobbes, are the plans here?  
  
Hobbes: Yep  
  
Calvin: then you know what to do. It's a beautiful day. They won't be able to help coming outside to finish their tea party. That's when we make are strike.  
  
Hobbes: Are you sure we can't join them? They have cookies.  
  
Calvin: NO! Will you stop thinking about food and girls for once you traitor?!  
  
Rosalyn: It's a beautiful day outside. Why don't we continue our tea party there?  
  
Susie: Good idea.  
  
Susie and Rosalyn move their stuff outside. But little do they know of the dangers that lurk there.  
  
Suzie and Rosalyn moved everything they were playing with outside as they continued their tea party.  
  
Susie: More tea, Mr. Bun?  
  
Suddenly, a water balloon fell from the sky and pelted Rosalyn. Another fell, this time hitting Suzie. More and more fell, drenching the innocent victims.  
  
Rosalyn: CALVIN!! Nothing happened. Rosalyn and Susie went off to go look for him.  
  
Calvin: Now's our chance. They've left the poor fools. Never let your guard down. He ran as fast as he could toward the site of the tea party.  
  
Rosalyn: Well Susie, I guess we lost him. Let's go back. But when I DO find him, he's going to be in SOOO much trouble.  
  
When Susie and Rosalyn returned, though, they found that Calvin had taken Mr. Bun hostage.  
  
Susie: Oh, no, this is terrible!  
  
Rosalyn: Oh, I'm going to get that brat.  
  
Susie: he left a note!  
  
Rosalyn: It says: Dear Rosalyn and Susie,  
  
We the members of club G.R.O.S.S. have found you guilty of endorsing in enemy activities and felt it was necessary to confiscate Mr. Bun in order to teach you. If you want him back, meet us at the creek with ten dollars at 1:00. (of course the real thing wasn't NEARLY that neat and wasn't spelled correctly, but whatever)  
  
Rosalyn: Oh, that dirty Calvin.  
  
Susie: Sniff.Mr. Bun.  
  
Rosalyn: Where's "the creek"?  
  
Susie: Follow me.  
  
Calvin: Hey, Hobbes, it's one o'clock. Do you think they're coming?  
  
Rosalyn: Calvin!!  
  
Calvin: (looks at Rosalyn) hey! If you want Mr. Bun, give us ten bucks!!  
  
Susie: Give him back right now you jerk!!  
  
Calvin: Really? A jerk you say? Well, I wouldn't say that if your friend's life were at stake.(pulls back some bushes, revealing Mr. Bun in Calvin's wagon on top of "Suicide Mountain") Heh heh.that's right! One false move and Mr. Bun experiences the horror of Suicide Mountain!!  
  
Susie: Calvin you wouldn't dare!!  
  
Calvin: Oh yes I would! Now give me the ten dollars very slowly.  
  
Rosalyn jumped over the creek and ran at Calvin, but it was too late. He had grabbed Hobbes, jumped into the wagon, and pushed off, racing at speeds thought to be impossible to travel. (hey, they don't call it "Suicide Mountain" for nothin') Suddenly, he went over a huge ramp that sent him flying high into the air. He landed on a slope down a ravine that ended on a steep cliff. The sled flew off the cliff, landing on a truck racing down the highway. The truck made a sharp turn, causing the wagon to roll down another hill. He ran headfirst into Mr. Spittle, who was fishing there. The wagon knocked him into the lake, as well as Calvin, Hobbes, and Mr. Bun. Most people would be willing to surrender then, but not Calvin. He grabbed Hobbes and Mr. Bun and began swimming. When he reached the shore, he climbed up and continued running. Through the bushes, the lawns, the woods, he continued running until he reached a hilly area. He trudged up the dirt hills and slid down to the small canyons below. Finally, he lay, panting, exhausted. He was smiling to himself.  
  
Calvin: The first club G.R.O.S.S. victory!!  
  
Rosalyn: Oh, no you don't.  
  
Calvin: ROSALYN??!!  
  
Calvin felt the iron grip of Rosalyn clutch his throat and drag him back to Calvin's house. The evil baby-sitter lady has captured mild, meek-mannered Calvin. She is using her super strength to keep him hostage to lure Stupendous man in her nefarious trap. Luckily I brought my cape.  
  
Next time, in the Many Lives and Adventures of Calvin: Calvin puts on his cape and wrecks more havoc. Is there any hope left for humanity? Find out in this chapter's sequel! 


End file.
